Well Now!

This weekend has not gone as planned.
I got that damned flu and it almost seems like it's getting worse. If I knew it was gonna be this bad I would've tried harder to get to school last week. Pretty sure i'm fucked in that area anyway.
Disappointing.
David's home again, back from Iraq at least for awhile. Had to tell him last night that I'd slept with Theran. While I understand his hurt, I knew it was going to end up like this. My virginity was the important thing and now that i'm not, i'm just no good.
I waited for him for two years and then find out that he was doing pretty much everything but sex with girls and shoved it in my face basically. That's the past though. Patched things up. I dunno if he's changed his mind now, but he did want to marry me and has been in love with me for awhile. For awhile I shared the same interests, and i'm sure I could again. I do love him, don't just give something like that up. He's far down on the list though. . . First is either Chris or TC, and then Isaiah and then Dave. SO i'm not sure what to do.
I can't stop thinking about Chris, i've always liked chris, since I met him and we became friends sophomore year. When I was afraid everyone was going to find out I covered it up with saying I liked Mikey. Mistake.
Then senior year. . .Chris said he'd go to homecoming with me but a couple "friends" advised me not to go. PH told me it was a bad idea and would screw up our friendship and that he was a jerk and was going to hurt me. AM said she's talk to him, and then came back with the same stuff except that for sure he didn't like me and was going to tell me that at the dance and not even dance with me. So I got scared and like PH and AM had assured, I told Chris, we're all gonna go in a group, no dates. He seemed hurt, but maybe he wasn't. I didn't mean to hurt him if I did. I cared about him.
I show up to this dance to meet my friends. It's my 18th birthday and i'm alone, dateless, my friends are late, and all show up with dates. The highlite of my evening was walking up to Chris and having him pause and say "Wow, you look beautiful."
The rest of the night basically sucked.
And later I found out that one had a crush on him and the other just didn't think we'd make a good couple.
Then I switched to Lewis and Clark, didn't see Chris much after that. The one time I was going to tell him was the day of the orchestra festivle, I begged him to wait just a half an hour after school with me and i'd give him a ride home, but I couldn't leave early. I figured I could tell him because I would barely see him. Didn't get a chance, I don't think he knew I needed to talk.
Then I was going to ask him to prom. . .and he got a girlfriend, wanted me to know really bad.
After that, the last time I saw him, he tried to give me a hug and I pushed away, infront of everyone, said bye, and quickly walked away because I started crying.
I know. Rude on my part.
I know i've always liked Chris, but i'm still trying to figure out when I started loving him.
It's always sad when you realize you love someone that you're not with.
I wish it didn't happen.
It's not logical at all.
It's almost Valentine's Day. Another one alone.
Wow.
Didn't realize that I was depressed about it. not just bummed, but actually depressed.
Damn.