Hehe, we made it and i've never been happier. I <3 ya. Aaron.
It's one month today =)
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Friday, December 11, 2009
That's what you get when you let your heart win...
I'm blogging here because only ONE person looks here and while I don't ever fully trust anyone, she's about as close as they come.
I love ya sister girly jewish ma ma!!!!!!!!!
She already listened to my half buzzed ass earlier but i'm still all bleh. It's technically the 11th not but the 10th was only hours before. It feels as though my life has changed and everything has become rocky.
That's such bullshit.
Mikey...I know this isn't gonna last, it won't even really hurt me when you don't text me anymore. Because I know it will happen.
I was a fantasy but isn't it kinda boring once you have it? You only think you want it young sir. It'll pass trust me. Infact, i'm wondering if i'm the one who should cut ties.
Hmm, perhaps.
And Aaron. You are an idiot. A huge idiot!
You know I like you and you like me. So there's an age difference, so what? I've gotten past it, why can't you? It's legal and I'M the one who's gonna get crap.
Maybe you don't even like me, but the way your hand grasps mine so tightly and your breathing changes when we're close...That smile...and that look in your eyes that i'm so sure is reflecting mine.
Stressful and hurtful feelings.
I can't be that sort of thing to Mikey and I wanna be everything to Aaron...
And that's what you get when you let your heart win.
I love ya sister girly jewish ma ma!!!!!!!!!
She already listened to my half buzzed ass earlier but i'm still all bleh. It's technically the 11th not but the 10th was only hours before. It feels as though my life has changed and everything has become rocky.
That's such bullshit.
Mikey...I know this isn't gonna last, it won't even really hurt me when you don't text me anymore. Because I know it will happen.
I was a fantasy but isn't it kinda boring once you have it? You only think you want it young sir. It'll pass trust me. Infact, i'm wondering if i'm the one who should cut ties.
Hmm, perhaps.
And Aaron. You are an idiot. A huge idiot!
You know I like you and you like me. So there's an age difference, so what? I've gotten past it, why can't you? It's legal and I'M the one who's gonna get crap.
Maybe you don't even like me, but the way your hand grasps mine so tightly and your breathing changes when we're close...That smile...and that look in your eyes that i'm so sure is reflecting mine.
Stressful and hurtful feelings.
I can't be that sort of thing to Mikey and I wanna be everything to Aaron...
And that's what you get when you let your heart win.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Frustrated.
In every way possible.
"Now I feel like me once again."
That's my favorite line in my favorite Green Day song, Christie Road. I finally feel like i've found myself after this past year. I'm a little disappointed. I thought that once I found a way to be myself that everything would fall in line and I'd just miraculously figure it all out. Nope. Not even close. I just feel ok, not as dark as I felt.
I still feel alone and still feel boken.
I was with Chris for awhile and it was fine but then he just stopped everything. . .I cried a lot, spent a lot of time alone, unless Sierra made me go out, so she could keep an eye on me. But then he messaged her and told her he found "someone else who can make him happier than I can". Talk about a swift kick to the crotch. It would've honestly been hurtful enough with just the "I found someone else" but the last part? Unecessary! I didn't know I was suppose to be this perfect person, I tried hard to please him in every way I could, and he reassured me whenever I asked or hinted at that I was fine. But I guess that's it. I'm just fine. I loved you though, Chris. Damn it all!!! You know I did.
And then there's David. The one who only wanted my virginity, i'm definately sure that that's it now. I had some illusion that he'd talk to me, he won't. Which means he doesn't wanna keep me. I can't believe that it made me cry. I'm not gonna be the girl he wants though, he'll find someone that he likes because that's what he wants, not just because of convienence like it was with me. I like doing stuff with my hair, wearing my punk clothes. . .I wanna get more tattoos, a lot more! I dunno if I wanna have kids, I want to get married, I want someone who will love me every day, in every sense of the word. I don't what i'm gonna do in school. I'm just gonna take classes, probably earn a degree on accident. I want to move to arizona in the next few years and I wanna move to england within the next 10 years.
I don't want anone to hold me back.
That sounds cruel and cold, doesn't it? I guess that I am. It's kind of been beaten into me. Guys sleep with me and never call again, the only guys who wanna actually be with me either have a girlfriend and like to make me feel guilty and like I should give it up to them, and they're usually fucking obsessive and weird.
I sometimes seriously think im gonna be alone. I'm picky and then the guys I want use and lose me.
It's not fun.
I thought I was the girl guys talked about having.
I watch sports, absolutely love sex, don't mind boy talk, I love video games, I care. . .I'm just wondering what other prospects I have to attain in rder to be good enough to be datable. It sucks.
Absolutely the opposite of fun. Which isn't my sort of deal.
"Now I feel like me once again."
That's my favorite line in my favorite Green Day song, Christie Road. I finally feel like i've found myself after this past year. I'm a little disappointed. I thought that once I found a way to be myself that everything would fall in line and I'd just miraculously figure it all out. Nope. Not even close. I just feel ok, not as dark as I felt.
I still feel alone and still feel boken.
I was with Chris for awhile and it was fine but then he just stopped everything. . .I cried a lot, spent a lot of time alone, unless Sierra made me go out, so she could keep an eye on me. But then he messaged her and told her he found "someone else who can make him happier than I can". Talk about a swift kick to the crotch. It would've honestly been hurtful enough with just the "I found someone else" but the last part? Unecessary! I didn't know I was suppose to be this perfect person, I tried hard to please him in every way I could, and he reassured me whenever I asked or hinted at that I was fine. But I guess that's it. I'm just fine. I loved you though, Chris. Damn it all!!! You know I did.
And then there's David. The one who only wanted my virginity, i'm definately sure that that's it now. I had some illusion that he'd talk to me, he won't. Which means he doesn't wanna keep me. I can't believe that it made me cry. I'm not gonna be the girl he wants though, he'll find someone that he likes because that's what he wants, not just because of convienence like it was with me. I like doing stuff with my hair, wearing my punk clothes. . .I wanna get more tattoos, a lot more! I dunno if I wanna have kids, I want to get married, I want someone who will love me every day, in every sense of the word. I don't what i'm gonna do in school. I'm just gonna take classes, probably earn a degree on accident. I want to move to arizona in the next few years and I wanna move to england within the next 10 years.
I don't want anone to hold me back.
That sounds cruel and cold, doesn't it? I guess that I am. It's kind of been beaten into me. Guys sleep with me and never call again, the only guys who wanna actually be with me either have a girlfriend and like to make me feel guilty and like I should give it up to them, and they're usually fucking obsessive and weird.
I sometimes seriously think im gonna be alone. I'm picky and then the guys I want use and lose me.
It's not fun.
I thought I was the girl guys talked about having.
I watch sports, absolutely love sex, don't mind boy talk, I love video games, I care. . .I'm just wondering what other prospects I have to attain in rder to be good enough to be datable. It sucks.
Absolutely the opposite of fun. Which isn't my sort of deal.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
2-13/14-09
I won't forget. I don't want to.
I dunno what it changes.
I don't care.
Even if it's bad...
I don't ever want to forget about you.
=)
Monday, February 9, 2009
Well Now!
This weekend has not gone as planned.
I got that damned flu and it almost seems like it's getting worse. If I knew it was gonna be this bad I would've tried harder to get to school last week. Pretty sure i'm fucked in that area anyway.
Disappointing.
David's home again, back from Iraq at least for awhile. Had to tell him last night that I'd slept with Theran. While I understand his hurt, I knew it was going to end up like this. My virginity was the important thing and now that i'm not, i'm just no good.
I waited for him for two years and then find out that he was doing pretty much everything but sex with girls and shoved it in my face basically. That's the past though. Patched things up. I dunno if he's changed his mind now, but he did want to marry me and has been in love with me for awhile. For awhile I shared the same interests, and i'm sure I could again. I do love him, don't just give something like that up. He's far down on the list though. . . First is either Chris or TC, and then Isaiah and then Dave. SO i'm not sure what to do.
I can't stop thinking about Chris, i've always liked chris, since I met him and we became friends sophomore year. When I was afraid everyone was going to find out I covered it up with saying I liked Mikey. Mistake.
Then senior year. . .Chris said he'd go to homecoming with me but a couple "friends" advised me not to go. PH told me it was a bad idea and would screw up our friendship and that he was a jerk and was going to hurt me. AM said she's talk to him, and then came back with the same stuff except that for sure he didn't like me and was going to tell me that at the dance and not even dance with me. So I got scared and like PH and AM had assured, I told Chris, we're all gonna go in a group, no dates. He seemed hurt, but maybe he wasn't. I didn't mean to hurt him if I did. I cared about him.
I show up to this dance to meet my friends. It's my 18th birthday and i'm alone, dateless, my friends are late, and all show up with dates. The highlite of my evening was walking up to Chris and having him pause and say "Wow, you look beautiful."
The rest of the night basically sucked.
And later I found out that one had a crush on him and the other just didn't think we'd make a good couple.
Then I switched to Lewis and Clark, didn't see Chris much after that. The one time I was going to tell him was the day of the orchestra festivle, I begged him to wait just a half an hour after school with me and i'd give him a ride home, but I couldn't leave early. I figured I could tell him because I would barely see him. Didn't get a chance, I don't think he knew I needed to talk.
Then I was going to ask him to prom. . .and he got a girlfriend, wanted me to know really bad.
After that, the last time I saw him, he tried to give me a hug and I pushed away, infront of everyone, said bye, and quickly walked away because I started crying.
I know. Rude on my part.
I know i've always liked Chris, but i'm still trying to figure out when I started loving him.
It's always sad when you realize you love someone that you're not with.
I wish it didn't happen.
It's not logical at all.
It's almost Valentine's Day. Another one alone.
Wow.
Didn't realize that I was depressed about it. not just bummed, but actually depressed.
Damn.
I got that damned flu and it almost seems like it's getting worse. If I knew it was gonna be this bad I would've tried harder to get to school last week. Pretty sure i'm fucked in that area anyway.
Disappointing.
David's home again, back from Iraq at least for awhile. Had to tell him last night that I'd slept with Theran. While I understand his hurt, I knew it was going to end up like this. My virginity was the important thing and now that i'm not, i'm just no good.
I waited for him for two years and then find out that he was doing pretty much everything but sex with girls and shoved it in my face basically. That's the past though. Patched things up. I dunno if he's changed his mind now, but he did want to marry me and has been in love with me for awhile. For awhile I shared the same interests, and i'm sure I could again. I do love him, don't just give something like that up. He's far down on the list though. . . First is either Chris or TC, and then Isaiah and then Dave. SO i'm not sure what to do.
I can't stop thinking about Chris, i've always liked chris, since I met him and we became friends sophomore year. When I was afraid everyone was going to find out I covered it up with saying I liked Mikey. Mistake.
Then senior year. . .Chris said he'd go to homecoming with me but a couple "friends" advised me not to go. PH told me it was a bad idea and would screw up our friendship and that he was a jerk and was going to hurt me. AM said she's talk to him, and then came back with the same stuff except that for sure he didn't like me and was going to tell me that at the dance and not even dance with me. So I got scared and like PH and AM had assured, I told Chris, we're all gonna go in a group, no dates. He seemed hurt, but maybe he wasn't. I didn't mean to hurt him if I did. I cared about him.
I show up to this dance to meet my friends. It's my 18th birthday and i'm alone, dateless, my friends are late, and all show up with dates. The highlite of my evening was walking up to Chris and having him pause and say "Wow, you look beautiful."
The rest of the night basically sucked.
And later I found out that one had a crush on him and the other just didn't think we'd make a good couple.
Then I switched to Lewis and Clark, didn't see Chris much after that. The one time I was going to tell him was the day of the orchestra festivle, I begged him to wait just a half an hour after school with me and i'd give him a ride home, but I couldn't leave early. I figured I could tell him because I would barely see him. Didn't get a chance, I don't think he knew I needed to talk.
Then I was going to ask him to prom. . .and he got a girlfriend, wanted me to know really bad.
After that, the last time I saw him, he tried to give me a hug and I pushed away, infront of everyone, said bye, and quickly walked away because I started crying.
I know. Rude on my part.
I know i've always liked Chris, but i'm still trying to figure out when I started loving him.
It's always sad when you realize you love someone that you're not with.
I wish it didn't happen.
It's not logical at all.
It's almost Valentine's Day. Another one alone.
Wow.
Didn't realize that I was depressed about it. not just bummed, but actually depressed.
Damn.
Friday, February 6, 2009
It's My Life
And I'm going to write about it.
My way.
If you don't like it, you can piss off. I'm not making you read this, I'm not forcefully gripping your wrist and making you click the link.
It's funny to think about though. Ha.
I'm really smart.
So I think far too much.
Anyway, I got one of these because people on my Myspace are seeming to have a problem with what I'm writing. If it makes them feel guilty they don't like it. Now, it's not my intention to make people feel guilty when I write my blogs.
If you really know me, you know that.
But I'm not going to make things private just because it's going to make you feel bad.
Like you T.C.-------------I don't like to use names in my blogs, though I do make exceptions------------
Anyway. TC, I can't believe you.
Freaked out about a blog when i was just venting. I even put that at the top of the blog. Venting. You knew I had feelings before, how can you think it just happened because we did something? I'm no psycho chick, I wasn't freaking out. But come on, you call me a good friend and yes I know the situation, but I also know what it was suppose to be. Not just a one time thing. Look. It's just that. As a friend I am mad. I know shit about you that you wouldn't even know that I knew. STDS? What the fuck, you never even told me. I'm not your girlfriend but that doesn't count worth shit where that's concerned. But guess what? I stuck by your side the entire time, playing dumb, up until the last conversation where, by that time, I figured out you were "clean" as it were. I can be pretty good at playing dumb. I'm so angry though. . .There's so much i know. Things you've said about me to my best friend. And it makes me so angry. But. I love you. I know I do, but I know I need to let go for awhile. I've been pretty good at doing it too. Haven't spoke to you in over 2 weeks. I'm not going to try right now. I'm not gonna break my heart anymore chasing after you, you've already broken it for me. That doesn't mean that I drop my offer though. Whenever ever you want me, here I stand. I know what's good for me, and you are.
You know what's funny?
I have commitment issues! Any time those three small words have flown my way, I've ran. I was born to run. I like a guy until he likes me back, like a lot. Doesn't happen with everyone, there's those few rare ones where things really just didn't work out.
Which brings up another subject.
The term bitchy?
Yeah.
I've found it's most accurate when used on guys.
I'm getting fucking irritated with them lately, by the way.
Three guys i the past three days have pulled the "You aren't talking to me every second and I feel like you're ignoring me, so I'm gonna threaten you by saying I'm gonna leave then" sort of deal. Tired of it.
You know who pulls that with me the most?
Kevin.
Don't even care about using your name.
You've pulled that on me so many times, and then expect me to apologize when I get mad.
It's really manipulative to use that against someone. Completely inappropriate to use on a whim with friends. Fucked up.
I've tried so many times saying I like you but that we shouldn't date. I agree that people should be honest, but there's a point where it's mean. I don't wanna say "hey I like you, but I'm turned off by you, I have no sexual attraction to you whatsoever". See, that just seems cruel. It used to be there but like a lot of guys do to me, they wait and wait and wait.
Take a chance. If I say no, at least it's in my mind that you like me and I'm gonna think about it. But.
Don't pussy foot around it and then explode it on me and then expect me to just automatically know what to do. Oh, and when you offer me time to think, give me more than an hour.
I'm smart, but seriously, an hour's not enough.
Did you know I'm afraid to sleep? I'm afraid I won't wake up. SO I stay up until I pass out.
Hard way to do things for a college student.
We eat, we sleep.
It's how we roll.
Right on.
You know what makes me angry. Is Jason.
I could never right on myspace because I don't want him to know that he still affects me so greatly. I about have a panic attack every time a guy raises his hand. You broke my heart and left me with bruises, after 4 months of loving you and 2 months of tolerating abuse, I let you go. Didn't even break your heart did I?
You broke me though, as a woman and as a person.
You were the first guy I tried to touch and who I let touch me once, but forced himself upon me many times. Thanks for letting me keep my virginity though, I guess.
I wasn't ready though, and I remember asking you to stop and you saying no. Perhaps 3 months of abuse is more accurate.
I remember when i tried to touch you and you couldn't preform and looked at me and said "It's your fault, you bitch." Then you kissed me and said you loved me. I called you later and you said you didn't mean it, but not the bitch part, oh no, the "I love you" part was your mistake.
You mentally messed me up. The I love you and then the I might love you to the I don't love you cycle was very stressing and hurtful. I loved you very much. I remember the first time I was sure that you were abusing me. It's easy to ignore the little "love taps" out of frustration, but that slap to the face. . .You never forget that.
I remember the time too, when we were at the school and my mom and brother walked around the school but would be back in about 10 minutes, enough time for you though, huh? You wanted to make out in the grass, I said no but you kept trying to lay us both down on our backs. Finally after a few attempts you stopped and then out of no where tried again and when I refused you slammed me backwards, bracing yourself, but letting me hit my back and head. That hurt. I started to scream, not in far that time, though it should've been but in pain. It hurt so bad. You told me to shut up if I really loved you, I would shut up. For a long time I was sorry that i wasn't ready for sex or anything of the kind, but I was 16. And you are a jerk.
I'm broken and I'm sure you're still breaking.
I think this is enough for tonight.
My way.
If you don't like it, you can piss off. I'm not making you read this, I'm not forcefully gripping your wrist and making you click the link.
It's funny to think about though. Ha.
I'm really smart.
So I think far too much.
Anyway, I got one of these because people on my Myspace are seeming to have a problem with what I'm writing. If it makes them feel guilty they don't like it. Now, it's not my intention to make people feel guilty when I write my blogs.
If you really know me, you know that.
But I'm not going to make things private just because it's going to make you feel bad.
Like you T.C.-------------I don't like to use names in my blogs, though I do make exceptions------------
Anyway. TC, I can't believe you.
Freaked out about a blog when i was just venting. I even put that at the top of the blog. Venting. You knew I had feelings before, how can you think it just happened because we did something? I'm no psycho chick, I wasn't freaking out. But come on, you call me a good friend and yes I know the situation, but I also know what it was suppose to be. Not just a one time thing. Look. It's just that. As a friend I am mad. I know shit about you that you wouldn't even know that I knew. STDS? What the fuck, you never even told me. I'm not your girlfriend but that doesn't count worth shit where that's concerned. But guess what? I stuck by your side the entire time, playing dumb, up until the last conversation where, by that time, I figured out you were "clean" as it were. I can be pretty good at playing dumb. I'm so angry though. . .There's so much i know. Things you've said about me to my best friend. And it makes me so angry. But. I love you. I know I do, but I know I need to let go for awhile. I've been pretty good at doing it too. Haven't spoke to you in over 2 weeks. I'm not going to try right now. I'm not gonna break my heart anymore chasing after you, you've already broken it for me. That doesn't mean that I drop my offer though. Whenever ever you want me, here I stand. I know what's good for me, and you are.
You know what's funny?
I have commitment issues! Any time those three small words have flown my way, I've ran. I was born to run. I like a guy until he likes me back, like a lot. Doesn't happen with everyone, there's those few rare ones where things really just didn't work out.
Which brings up another subject.
The term bitchy?
Yeah.
I've found it's most accurate when used on guys.
I'm getting fucking irritated with them lately, by the way.
Three guys i the past three days have pulled the "You aren't talking to me every second and I feel like you're ignoring me, so I'm gonna threaten you by saying I'm gonna leave then" sort of deal. Tired of it.
You know who pulls that with me the most?
Kevin.
Don't even care about using your name.
You've pulled that on me so many times, and then expect me to apologize when I get mad.
It's really manipulative to use that against someone. Completely inappropriate to use on a whim with friends. Fucked up.
I've tried so many times saying I like you but that we shouldn't date. I agree that people should be honest, but there's a point where it's mean. I don't wanna say "hey I like you, but I'm turned off by you, I have no sexual attraction to you whatsoever". See, that just seems cruel. It used to be there but like a lot of guys do to me, they wait and wait and wait.
Take a chance. If I say no, at least it's in my mind that you like me and I'm gonna think about it. But.
Don't pussy foot around it and then explode it on me and then expect me to just automatically know what to do. Oh, and when you offer me time to think, give me more than an hour.
I'm smart, but seriously, an hour's not enough.
Did you know I'm afraid to sleep? I'm afraid I won't wake up. SO I stay up until I pass out.
Hard way to do things for a college student.
We eat, we sleep.
It's how we roll.
Right on.
You know what makes me angry. Is Jason.
I could never right on myspace because I don't want him to know that he still affects me so greatly. I about have a panic attack every time a guy raises his hand. You broke my heart and left me with bruises, after 4 months of loving you and 2 months of tolerating abuse, I let you go. Didn't even break your heart did I?
You broke me though, as a woman and as a person.
You were the first guy I tried to touch and who I let touch me once, but forced himself upon me many times. Thanks for letting me keep my virginity though, I guess.
I wasn't ready though, and I remember asking you to stop and you saying no. Perhaps 3 months of abuse is more accurate.
I remember when i tried to touch you and you couldn't preform and looked at me and said "It's your fault, you bitch." Then you kissed me and said you loved me. I called you later and you said you didn't mean it, but not the bitch part, oh no, the "I love you" part was your mistake.
You mentally messed me up. The I love you and then the I might love you to the I don't love you cycle was very stressing and hurtful. I loved you very much. I remember the first time I was sure that you were abusing me. It's easy to ignore the little "love taps" out of frustration, but that slap to the face. . .You never forget that.
I remember the time too, when we were at the school and my mom and brother walked around the school but would be back in about 10 minutes, enough time for you though, huh? You wanted to make out in the grass, I said no but you kept trying to lay us both down on our backs. Finally after a few attempts you stopped and then out of no where tried again and when I refused you slammed me backwards, bracing yourself, but letting me hit my back and head. That hurt. I started to scream, not in far that time, though it should've been but in pain. It hurt so bad. You told me to shut up if I really loved you, I would shut up. For a long time I was sorry that i wasn't ready for sex or anything of the kind, but I was 16. And you are a jerk.
I'm broken and I'm sure you're still breaking.
I think this is enough for tonight.
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