Frustrated.

In every way possible.
"Now I feel like me once again."
That's my favorite line in my favorite Green Day song, Christie Road. I finally feel like i've found myself after this past year. I'm a little disappointed. I thought that once I found a way to be myself that everything would fall in line and I'd just miraculously figure it all out. Nope. Not even close. I just feel ok, not as dark as I felt.
I still feel alone and still feel boken.
I was with Chris for awhile and it was fine but then he just stopped everything. . .I cried a lot, spent a lot of time alone, unless Sierra made me go out, so she could keep an eye on me. But then he messaged her and told her he found "someone else who can make him happier than I can". Talk about a swift kick to the crotch. It would've honestly been hurtful enough with just the "I found someone else" but the last part? Unecessary! I didn't know I was suppose to be this perfect person, I tried hard to please him in every way I could, and he reassured me whenever I asked or hinted at that I was fine. But I guess that's it. I'm just fine. I loved you though, Chris. Damn it all!!! You know I did.
And then there's David. The one who only wanted my virginity, i'm definately sure that that's it now. I had some illusion that he'd talk to me, he won't. Which means he doesn't wanna keep me. I can't believe that it made me cry. I'm not gonna be the girl he wants though, he'll find someone that he likes because that's what he wants, not just because of convienence like it was with me. I like doing stuff with my hair, wearing my punk clothes. . .I wanna get more tattoos, a lot more! I dunno if I wanna have kids, I want to get married, I want someone who will love me every day, in every sense of the word. I don't what i'm gonna do in school. I'm just gonna take classes, probably earn a degree on accident. I want to move to arizona in the next few years and I wanna move to england within the next 10 years.
I don't want anone to hold me back.
That sounds cruel and cold, doesn't it? I guess that I am. It's kind of been beaten into me. Guys sleep with me and never call again, the only guys who wanna actually be with me either have a girlfriend and like to make me feel guilty and like I should give it up to them, and they're usually fucking obsessive and weird.
I sometimes seriously think im gonna be alone. I'm picky and then the guys I want use and lose me.
It's not fun.
I thought I was the girl guys talked about having.
I watch sports, absolutely love sex, don't mind boy talk, I love video games, I care. . .I'm just wondering what other prospects I have to attain in rder to be good enough to be datable. It sucks.
Absolutely the opposite of fun. Which isn't my sort of deal.